Human Doormats, Take Charge! How to Be More Assertive
By Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., M.S., P.T., for Revive Your Life
Are you letting others walk all over you? Photo by Dan4th
Editors Note: Revive Your Life is proud to introduce Inspiration and Wellness Expert Contributor, Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., M.S., P.T. Dr. Lombardo is a highly sought-after clinical psychologist and physical therapist who strives to help individuals lead more productive, healthy, and happy lives. Her upcoming book, “A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness” is due in stores October 1, 2009. To learn more, visit Dr. Lombardo’s website at A Happy You where you can receive a FREE happiness gift!
Remember the game “telephone” where one person whispers a message into another’s ear, who then whispers the message to the next person? This process continues until the last person recites what they heard out loud. The final message usually comes out something like “My shoe’s in ink for my love” or some other nonsensical sentence that isn’t even close to the original statement.
This game provides a classic example of muddled communication. Despite what we say, people often hear something very different. In the game of “telephone,” the results of faulty informational transmission are humorous. In real life, however, poor communication can mean stress, strained relationships, missed opportunities, wasted efforts and general unhappiness.
Conversely, effective communication can decrease stress, improve relationships, help you capitalize on opportunities, save time and energy and propel your happiness. Research shows it can even prolong your life.
How effective is your communication style? Which approach best describes your interactions when things aren’t going as you’d like?
For example, say you are waiting for a friend to meet you for an early dinner after work. Despite your racing to make it on time, your friend is not there. In fact, she does not even get to the restaurant for over 45 minutes, at which time she nonchalantly says “Sorry I’m late, let’s get a table - I’m starving!”
What is your reaction? Do you:
- Stew inside? (”She’s hungry, hello! I have been waiting here for 45 minutes smelling the food.”) But you would never say or do anything (I mean you won’t want to hurt someone’s feelings even if they lacked the courtesy). You go on with your evening trying not to let her tardiness ruin it even more. In general, you prioritize how others feel over taking care of how you feel.
- Lay into your friend? “You are so inconsiderate (or, perhaps you use an expletive that I will leave up to you)! I have been waiting here for almost an hour. You are always so selfish.” In general, you stick up for your rights at all costs.
- Give her the cold shoulder? You don’t want to bring anything up and make yourself uncomfortable but she should have to pay for being so inconsiderate. In general, you don’t outwardly communicate your concerns, but your irritation comes out passively through your behavior.
- Take a deep breath and tell her “When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.” After you openly discuss what happened, you then go on to enjoy yourself and your time with your friend. In general, you confidently and respectfully bring up issues and try to resolve them peacefully with others.
Which one is most like you?
Passive (I), aggressive (II) and passive aggressive (III) interactions tend not to be effective means of communication, but being assertive (IV) can enhance happiness. These communication styles are outlined in the table to the left.
Assertiveness refers to effective communication that permits you to express your beliefs clearly while still respecting others. When you’re assertive, there’s a greater likelihood of happiness for both sides of the communication.
Where to go from here? UP!
Follow these simple but powerful steps to better communication:
- Stand up (and down): be respectful to yourself by communicating your reactions as well as being respectful to others.
- Speak up: express your thoughts, concerns, emotions. Use “I” statements rather than “you” (these can seem too attacking). Use soft emotions (sad, scared, hurt) rather hard emotions (infuriated, beyond annoyed).
- Listen up: this is a KEY but often overlooked component of effective communication. Ask questions and really listen to what others say. You will learn a whole lot and prevent a lot of stress from misinterpretations.
- Be up: Share appreciation, not just criticism. Rather than just communicating what is wrong, express what is “right.” Tell your children how proud you are of them when they do the chores you asked them to do; openly appreciate your spouse for really listening when you answer “how was your day?”; thank a friend for calling you. Just this one step will have amazing power.
Tell us how it works: share your comments on how your “up” behavior “upped” your communications!
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