How to Boost Your Self-Esteem (and Happiness!)
By Dorothy Sander, for Revive Your Life
High self-esteem is an indicator of happiness...
Everyone seems to have an opinion on the importance of self-esteem. And yet, the general understanding of the meaning of self-esteem in the public arena is slippery at best. The National Association of Self Esteem, (Yes! There is such an organization!), defines it as “The experience of being capable of meeting life’s challenges and being worthy of happiness.” If you are a person with a healthy level of self-esteem, you will deal with the problems you encounter in a productive fashion, believing that you are a good and decent person who is entitled to good things.
People often confuse egocentricity with self-esteem and assume the terms are one and the same. A person who is self-centered and “all about themselves” is really lacking in self-esteem. They are not comfortable in their own skin and they use superficial means to make themselves happy. For example, a woman with low self-esteem, but who is egocentric, may talk frequently and at length about her accomplishments, often elevating them to a higher degree of importance than do her peers. She is trying to impress her listener because she does not feel worthy within herself. If, on the other hand, she has genuine self-esteem, she will not feel the need to talk about her accomplishments. They are hers to cherish and her sense of accomplishment is complete in itself. She does not need the approval of others, she has her own. She believes in herself and feels entitled to happiness.
Self-Esteem and Fulfillment
Self-esteem as defined by the NASE is essential to a happy, fulfilled life. Fundamental to this concept is the connection between competence and self-worth. Each time we go out into the world, take on a challenge and meet it, we add to our sense of worth or self-esteem. We gain confidence and are more ready to take on the next challenge. Over time this adds up to a stronger self-image. We begin to believe we are worthy of happiness. That’s a very good place to be.
When we have low self-esteem, we do not have confidence in our ability to meet the challenges we face or the desire to undertake something that might appear difficult. Instead, we are fearful and unwilling to take the risks and steps necessary, even if we very much want to. For example, we may dream of owning our own business and even have a good idea for one, but when we lack self-esteem our uncertainties turn into worries and doubts. We may then come to the conclusion that the risk is too big to take. We’ll tell ourselves things like “the bank will never give me funding”, “I’d have to work too many hours and not have time for my family”, “I probably wouldn’t be any good at it anyway” and our dream begins to fizzle. When we walk away from our dreams because we lack self-esteem, we will find ourselves stuck and feeling unfulfilled.
When we allow ourselves to be gripped by low self-esteem, we are actually making matters worse. If instead, we use positive affirmations such as “I can do this”, and despite our fears, take small steps toward our dreams, we will build our self-esteem and move our lives toward a place of happiness and fulfillment.
Building Self-Esteem in Children
Child psychologists tell us that excessive praise is not the best way to develop self-esteem in children. They do need to feel a sense of accomplishment and competence in the world. What is more helpful in raising self-esteem is to acknowledge and celebrate the things your child is proud of accomplishing. This reinforces their belief in themselves. Just as too much praise is not helpful, we must also resist the false belief that celebrating a child’s success will give them a swelled head. A sense of accomplishment and awareness of the accomplishment builds self-esteem and confidence.
Children cannot be fooled. They know whether or not they are worthy of a compliment bestowed on them. If we tell them they are great spellers when they are not, we’re wasting our breath. It is more helpful to honestly acknowledge their struggles and look for the places they are succeeding. Perhaps they work really hard at trying to learn to spell. If so, as parents we can help them see that this is a very worthwhile trait. Hard work and determination can make up for lack of ability throughout life. If we can help them see this, they will have something to add to their self-esteem reservoir. In addition, parents can help their children build confidence by also giving them a task at which they can excel for each difficult task they take. Each accomplishment, large or small, will build confidence and help them be more resilient when facing a new challenge.
Children and adults should be encouraged and encourage themselves to take on challenges that will build self-esteem. It is helpful to begin with a small challenge, one you feel certain you can conquer and do well. Then take on something a bit larger. Each challenge met provides confidence in our abilities and we will feel better about ourselves. Whether it be learning to crochet or learning to speak a foreign language, learning a new computer program or learning to assemble a computer, we are not only building confidence in our abilities, we are adding depth and dimension to our lives. This adds up to self-esteem.
Self-Esteem Tip #1
Make a list of ten things you’ve always wanted to do or learn, making sure that they are things that are doable. Number them in order of difficulty. Start with the easiest item first and challenge yourself to complete the list over time.
Self-Esteem Tip #2
Take up a new hobby. Building self-esteem can be fun. Learn to dance or take singing lessons, learn to do needlepoint or build model airplanes - the choices are endless.
Self-Esteem Tip #3
Learn a new skill. Learn a new computer skill, read up on how to paint or wallpaper a room in your house, take a cooking lesson, learn html. Again, the choices are endless and only limited to your imagination and your interest.
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Excellent article and one I will share with my teens, particularly my daughter who seems to think she’s no good and everything bad always happens to her. It only takes one thing to go wrong out of many good ones for her to get down on herself. Thank You.
Dorothy,
Great article……
Nancy
Good article Dorothy. I also know that no matter how much one parent encourages the self-esteem of a child if the other parent demeans the child self-esteem it is an uphill battle to heal the wounds.
Very well done article, written with the skill and knowledge of a PhD Psychologist. Just the right amount of practical suggestions among the philosophy and facts of self-esteem.
Based on my own live experiences I can attest to Dorthy’s presentation and practical suggestions.
Inspiring article; one I wish I had read years ago. However it is not too late to recognize that self esteem is waiting in the wings for those of us who need that silent applause for our accomplishments, however small. This article is well written in easy to understand language. It should be on your list of “self esteem” accomplishments Dorothy.
Great article Dorothy! I am going to take your advice on improving self esteems in children. This could have been some great information for my parents.
Dorothy: A fine article of use to people of all ages who want to continue making improvements in their lives, and who strive for inner richness in day-to-day living. Well put and clear as a bell. — Rita Robinson
Self esteem is a tricky thing. Most of us have to work at it every day. I’ve seen my kids blossom every time they learn a new skill and it builds their confidence.
Excellent article, Dorothy! Thanks so much for sharing it!
Interesting read, I believe in the statement that you are neither lesser nor greater than any other human being. Try to treat everybody with respect and that will allow you to treat yourself with respect as well.
A great article, Dorothy. Many people get confused about this but you have explained it really well.
This is a really great article. I just came over here from Create a Balance and I’m so glad I did because I truly enjoyed reading this. You have some amazing tips and advice in here.
I learn social course and i find self esteem is human need also. But too bad, not all people can get it. And i think this article is help, bro. So thanks.
Anyway i get my self-esteem is because i’m smart in college, so people start to esteem me
Oh thanks for this post. This will really help me. I have a very low self esteem, which makes my life boring.
With the tips you’ve given, now I know how to enhance my confidence.
Low self esteem shows itself many ways. One, mentioned above, is egocentricity. I know a couple of people who exhibit that trait. In others, they may be a wall flower.
Low self esteem many times also leads to bad choices, you (unconsciously) seek out people or situations to reinforce that lack of self worth. It is a trait that can be passed down and the cycle can be very difficult to break, but it can be done.
I am proud of your article! You did a great job of explaning what self esteem is and why it is so important. I think your suggestions are wonderful.
I don’t have children, but I think that even as adults we tend to suffer from self-esteem issues. I like the list of tips that you give. They are simple and doable. Having doable goals is a great way to boost oneself up. My husband has been doing a lot of reading lately about the power of a positive attitude, I think that these topics go hand in hand. A positive attitude can only help to boost self-esteem.
The key to boost your self-esteem for me is to love and respect yourself more. Not in the sense of narcism. But taking time to pamper yourself. Knowing yourself more. Looking back and trying to improve yourself. This will definitely boost yourself esteem. People love does who love there-selves and respect themselves.
I was also suffering from lower self-esteem, primarily because of the way I was brought up and the surroundings during my childhood. I was always pulled down by my family members stating that I do not know anything and I need to learn a lot. This constant “rejection” threw me into less-confidence mode and hence lower self-esteem. However, now I am taking conscious efforts to feel good about myself and feel happy about life. I tell myself that I am worthy of this life and there are many people who vouch for me. I constantly pray to God and this gives me enough moral support to boost my self-esteem. I believe, if I can do it, any one can.
Good article! Some people loosing their self esteem systematically. Friends, neighborhood, and parents can cause lower self esteem to the children if they treated in a wrong way/place.
Nice tips!
my self-esteem at times tends to go low but i always make it a point that i will not be left behind…
its in the law of attraction that the more you think of somthing, the more you’re prone to have it… its is the same thing as listing up the things you want to do and do it based on the level of difficulty… the more you focus your mind on it, the more determined you are, the more you increse yoru self-esteem…
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What a wonderful post! The 3 Tips you listed are fantastic and I can clearly see how they can definitely boost your self-esteem. I am so glad I had a chance to see this post today as I am working on building self-esteem for my young son who is just so terribly shy! Thank you so much for posting such a useful and meaningful post!
Hi there, Dorothy!
I love what you said about taking on new challenges…not only does it build confidence in our abilities, but…. “it also adds depth and dimension to our lives”~ Beautifully said, Dorothy!
This is my first time here, and I will return again and again! Many thanks to you for sharing your bits of wisdom!
Great article! Sometimes I find myself with low self esteem once things start to get more difficult than they were previously.
I’ll keep these tips in mind and refer to them again the next time I’m feeling down. Thanks!
Dorothy, Great article and one that made me reflect once again on how I was raised. I was always praised for EVERYTHING no matter if a note of praise was warranted. Which as an adult has caused great confusion especially in the work place. On the other hand I was encourage and allowed to do many, many things way beyond by years like look after the well being on my younger sister. I wish I had been raised with a more even hand as I believe life would have been a little easier for me and my siblings.
[...] How to Boost Your Self-Esteem (and Happiness!) from Revive Your Life - You didn’t think we’d leave ourselves out of this list, did [...]
Great article! taking new challenges help us to realize who we really are.
This is a great article and one i plan to share with my community as well. I would add that competence comes from continual building of life skills.
@ Peggy - Great point, life experience and working to build the skills necessary to succeed are both very important factors. Thanks for sharing!
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nice article…. this also can prevent mental illness….