Stuck in the Middle? How to Effectively Mediate Family Fights
By Paul Bremer, for Revive Your Life
Photo by Kaptain Kobold
Family dynamics can often be as complicated as baking a cake from memory. Measurements are crucial, and without a recipe dictating the proper ingredients, one misplaced spice can destroy the whole thing. In a household where people are forced to co-exist with one another, there’s no safety net to fall back on. A family is nothing but a mixing bowl of emotions and egos, and combining them may produce unsavory results.
It’s probably safe to say that no family resembles “The Brady Bunch.” Not by a long shot. Realistically, how can six children share one bathroom without a single argument about the toilet seat being left up or locks of hair clogging the shower drain? It just doesn’t happen.
The truth is, families fight and sometimes it gets dirty. Whether related by blood or simply friendship, when you love and know someone so well you operate without censors and don’t hold back your feelings. Arguments that may begin over mundane issues like telephone usage or curfew can often evolve into more serious and damaging altercations.
Most people have experienced being caught in the uncomfortable “middle” position. This place can potentially be even more devastating than being a participant because you have all the information but are unsure what to do with it. Your loyalties are called into question and you’re forced to make the difficult decision. You can stay out of it, which may warrant feelings of resentment and hurt from a loved one who needed your support. However, choosing a side can have long-lasting effects on your credibility and ultimately your relationship with the outnumbered family member.
These are dangerous waters to tread and constantly being stuck in the middle can hinder your happiness and may inflict undue stress in your life. But rest assured it is possible to manage the tug-of-war pull from hot-headed loved ones.
I’m a firm believer in taking an active, yet supporting role in family arguments. Whether or not the issue at hand specifically involves you, it inevitably affects you. As a member of the family, one can’t help but feel the strain that negative energy wreaks on a household or relationship. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed for forming your own opinions about the situation. Just because you’re on the bench, that doesn’t mean you’re not part of the team.
Listening is an underrated but crucial method of support. After any volcanic eruption, your friend or family member is going to need a neutral party to lean on. Be there during the aftermath, when all damage has been done and the tears begin to flow. Both parties will likely feel vulnerable and isolated. It’s important they can continue verbalizing their feelings with someone who understands their anger and frustration. However, don’t allow their pain to influence your involvement. It’s easy to let sympathy take control but remember there is someone in the other room who feels the same way and needs a kind ear.
Be frugal with the amount of advice you pass out. This is often a way for the injured parties to pin-point where your loyalty stands, thus marking you as either friend or foe in the scenario. Give suggestions based on practicality and logic, not on emotions. Advise both sides to think of ways they can ease their minds and collect their thoughts in a stable, calm environment. This may include taking a walk around the neighborhood or writing a letter. At some point, there is going to be a round two and the best way for those to get back in the ring is with the eye on resolution, not on the prize of winning. Don’t advise action, but rather reflection. Needless to say, any advice that may result in further shouting or aggression is counterproductive.
Once the storm has calmed, relinquish all activity in the situation and allow each side to come together and reach a common ground. Continued involvement only perpetuates the cycle and shifts your position from concerned bystander to indirect provoker. You’ve done your share. If the arguments continue and have a negative impact on you, reserve the right to address how the situation makes you feel. You shouldn’t have to live in a volatile, stressful setting. As adults, compromise and understanding should be attainable if the cause is worth the effort.
There is no miracle remedy to cure family strife. However, focusing on negativity and the struggle over who is right or wrong will rarely illicit any long-term solutions. As people connected by blood, marriage, friendship or living quarters, each person has the ability to add something beneficial to the mix. And while it may be difficult to let reason overcome emotion, just remember the universally shared theme in the family is the wish to love, be loved and live life happily; a “Brady Bunch” sentiment that actually rings true in reality.
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3 Responses to “Stuck in the Middle? How to Effectively Mediate Family Fights”
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Dear Jake,
I am happy that our paths have crossed, and that you comment on my blog and feel inspired by it.
Since a child, I have been witness to family fights between my parents and witness to their ego’s and I have slowly learnt to back away as I have been victim of the this absorption. My parents also got violent. In my teenage years I lashed out at people as I didn’t know how to communicate with them. I never felt I had a bond with my parents because of all that happened and because they wouldn’t tell me anything and how they felt, and I always felt alone when they were in the same room. Even now I don’t feel I have a bond. No one is to blame for that, it is just the way things have turned out and how I feel. I respect and appreciate them as their own people, and I think that is ultimatetly what counts.
I agree there is no remedy to fix family strife, but there is the ability to heal oneself and to communicate with others in a calm environment openly and honestly without raising one’s voice or using violence as a form of expression.
Useful post!
Being stuck in he middle is indeed a difficult situation. but we need to make a stand, not on others but to ourselves. Despite the sensitivity, we should express our concern on both parties without appearing to favor someone. It is not easily attainable; still, we need to make an effort.
@ Ana - Thanks for sharing your story and the approach that you have used to move past that period in your life. I’m sure it will be useful to others. I will continue to visit your blog which I find quite interesting.
@ Walter - Thanks for sharing your thoughts - I agree with your assessment completely.