Speak Up…Or Keep Your Trap Shut?
By Paul Bremer, for Revive Your Life
Photo by piotr.amigo
As a member of a culture that thrives on social interaction as well as the right to exercise free speech, I ask you to consider the following dilemma:
At a casual gathering amongst an array of both strange and familiar faces, you find yourself in a subset of the party’s population engaging in stimulating conversation. Drink in hand, you’ve secured you’re space on the sofa and prepare to kick back and soak in the stories and experiences that the attendees begin to share.
Suddenly, the guy on the end drinking the tanqueray and tonic with two limes attempts to impress by one -upping the previous speaker and nonchalantly boasting about his supposed dot-com empire. The scented coffee table candles reek of pretension and BS. In this situation, you have two options. You can call his bluff and expose him for the self-centered sham that he is, or, in an effort to keep the peace, quietly smile and nod, denying him the satisfaction of a response and forcing him to fold his hand to the next speaker. What do you do?
Fear not, this isn’t an SAT problem solving question. However, whether or not you’ve experienced a situation identical to this, most have been backed into a similar corner. Being a people that crave human contact, we’ll often be presented with a personality type that clashes with our own. In most scenarios, we can chalk it up to personal difference and find solace in knowing we never have to speak with the person again.
But occasionally, we’ll cross paths with someone who rubs us just the wrong way that if we bit our tongues any harder, Mike Tyson may have an equal match. Many people have no qualms telling it like it is despite the risk of an ensuing confrontation while others opt to be fake for harmony sake. Both approaches have pros and cons, but will the truth always set you free, or is there a time and a place for keeping it real?
Invoking the old cliché about honesty being the best policy, perhaps one should consider for whom it is really best. When asked if she looks fat in her dress, should a boyfriend be truthful to his girlfriend if the answer may potentially drive her to an eating disorder?
In situations where truth can be hurtful, it’s wise to think before you speak and analyze the weight of what will be coming out of your mouth. Of course this is easier said than done. But consider the above party situation. You never truly know what motivates another human being, especially when they are a relative stranger. For instance, the cocky “dot-comer” may suffer from feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection from his peers. Of course, you have no obligation to cater to these feelings if you choose not to.
However, patience is an underrated virtue when it comes to social settings. Like a child seeking attention by throwing a tantrum, many adults feel the need to show off as a way of seeking approval. But if you peacefully ignore the charade, often times the attention seeker will grow tired and stop on their own accord when they realize the behavior isn’t necessary to get what they want. Furthermore, you may create an uncomfortable tension for those in the group who are unprepared to handle the awkward situation.
Ultimately, it’s a matter of gauging when to keep your mouth shut. If you constantly respond with knee-jerk reactions, over time people may begin to see you as a bully who loves nothing more than to put people in their place. But by that same token, there are definitely situations that call for such frank responses. Any time, for example, when someone is flat out rude, disrespectful, or demeaning in any way, all bets are off.
I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way to handle cases where this dilemma exists, but living by one or the other exclusively has its drawbacks. If you constantly avoid the truth in order to sidestep a confrontation, you may at some point begin to feel like a bit of a push-over. When you never stand up for how you truly feel, inappropriate behavior is never addressed and therefore never fixed. The people exhibiting such behavior will eventually grow accustomed to getting their own way and it can be difficult to reverse when you’ve allowed their ego to swell.
Again, always being brutally honest can eventually label you as a bully. If you operate with the flood gates open at all times, you may fail to recognize when saying what you think can destroy a relationship you really treasure. You should then be prepared for the consequences that your honesty may have on your life and your ability to fit into social groups that exercise a degree of censorship.
At the end of the day, you need only be true to yourself and react how you see fit in any given situation. However, it should be known that the consequences of what you don’t say and what you do say can be equally impactful.
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I often bite my tongue when I should really speak up. Thanks for helping me differentiate between those times when its important to speak my mind and those when I should keep quiet!
My issue is not speaking up enough. I get frozen and think of what I should have said after the fact.
Choosing when and when not to speak is hard to master. It is said the we should think twice before we speak once, and this made it more difficult. But in the end I agree to your closing remarks; it is up to us to know the consequences of our act.