Sound Advice for New Parents
By Dorothy Sander, for Revive Your Life
Challenging...yet so rewarding
When a couple receives the news that their first child is on the way, some greet it with joy and excitement while others are overcome with fear and trepidation. No matter what the initial response, both are about to face monumental changes in their lives and their relationship. These changes, like any others in life, are not only fraught with challenges but are also opportunities for growth.
The challenges of the pregnancy itself are the beginning of the growth process. The first trimester ushers in the not always welcome bodily changes to Mom. Mood swings brought on by hormonal fluctuations, mixed with nausea in the early months and back pain or heart burn in the later months, render this once happy, functioning partner into someone her husband doesn’t recognize. In addition, both may be struggling with doubts and fears about their impending roles as parent. Their relationship begins to change the day they become aware that they are about to be new parents.
This first stage of parenthood is the perfect place to begin to lay the groundwork for the challenges that lie ahead once the baby is born. Once a comfortable and understood union between husband and wife, the couple is now being asked to open this union and incorporate another human being into it. This requires growth and understanding to maintain a healthy relationship.
The first taste of change is apt to center on the soon-to-be Mom. She becomes the focus of attention to both herself and her husband. She begins to think of her baby first, before her husband, sometimes becoming less attentive to him. He begins to feel lonely and isolated and may resent the intrusion into their previously peaceful coexistence.
The antidote to this relationship problem is awareness and understanding. In this situation, it makes sense for the couple to take a mental step back and first acknowledge that changes are taking place and disrupting the relationship as it was previously understood. Recognize that it is a new beginning for your relationship as well. Work just a little extra time into your day to nurture your relationship with each other. Sharing and understanding the process taking place will help to diminish some of the feelings of hurt and isolation one or both might be feeling. This is a relationship dynamic that will continue on into parenthood and beyond and developing these habits now will strengthen your relationship for years to come.
As the pregnancy progresses, Mom is beginning to settle into the idea of being pregnant and may even enjoy the appearance of her bulging tummy. While this may be exciting and thrilling to her in the context of motherhood, it can be a serious complication to the couple’s sexual relationship. Her changing body presents a challenge to her self-image as a sexually desirable woman and often, the soon-to-be Dad has similar issues. His “sex goddess” has turned into something quite different! They may both indeed love the miracle of creation taking place, but the change can leave them unsteady and uncertain and sexual intimacy may become difficult. If one or both of the partners are feeling particularly challenged in this regard, the couple should discuss and work through these difficulties.
For example, reading books that address this issue together and gently sharing your feelings with one another can often not only provide immediate comfort but can also enhance and strengthen the relationship for future life challenges. Facts often shed light on our fears and help us realize we are not alone in our difficulties. We begin to understand that the changes within us and our relationships are an opportunity for growth and begin to look forward to them.
Pregnancy is an excellent time to start talking about your ideas on childrearing if you haven’t already discussed them at length. A helpful place to begin is by sharing your childhood experiences. Talk about your parents’ style of parenting. Most people don’t want to hear this, but under stress, we will become our parents! Many aspects of your parenting style are already programmed into your psyche via your childhood. Of course, you can and should make alterations if necessary but you must first be aware of what changes might need to be made. Talking together about this issue and learning from each other’s experiences as children can help you forge your own particular style of parenting. Talk now about those things you want to leave behind and ask for your spouses support. If there is an understanding in advance, stress-induced parental reactions can be minimized when the time comes by a spouse that is willing to intervene. If at all possible after reviewing your spouse’s childhood experiences, begin to anticipate, that even though they may wish to leave the negative aspects behind, it may be difficult to do so when the time arrives. This conversation should, of course, continue throughout parenthood. Laying the groundwork early can help to minimize future parenting problems. Understanding, communication and support are the cornerstones to any good marriage relationship.
Taking time together should most definitely be carried over into your new life as first-time parents. Make a plan to have a “date night” once a week after the baby is born. You will need time alone together more than ever. In addition, plan to spend at least thirty minutes every day to talk quietly together about any issue that has arisen over the course of the day, any concern you might have developed, any fear you’d like to share. This short time of conversation will help you maintain a connection with one another through the stressful, sometimes sleepless, always challenging, nights and days of parenting. If you are too tired to talk simply spend some quiet time together. Physical comfort in times of stress can heal in ways words sometimes cannot.
Scheduling a block of time may be impossible due to your babies’ constantly changing schedule. Let your commitment be fluid and adjustable over the course of a day or even two, but commit to an amount of time to spend quietly together each day. Even fifteen minutes can make a huge difference in your relationship. Perhaps during the baby’s nap you can sit quietly with a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and talk or while he’s playing peacefully in his baby seat curl up together on the couch and share in the pleasure of what you have created together. These few moments each day will carry you through the exhaustion and fatigue of parenting and remind you that you are not just Mom and Dad but also husband and wife.
And don’t forget to line up that baby sitter for the weekend!
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What a wonderfully written, and much needed guide for first-time parents. It’s true that the best gift we can give our children is a healthy relationship (or as healthy a relationship as we can manage in the whirlwind that is parenting a newborn!). You’re dead on when you say that even a few minutes of physical comfort in times of stress can make such a difference. I believe soon-to-be parents can gain perspective and begin planning by heeding your advice.