How Arguing Can Strengthen Your Relationship
By Paul Bremer, for Revive Your Life
Photo by Shanissinha
People will often define the health of one’s relationship based upon the amount of time they spend arguing. “We never fight” seems to be a coveted exclamation, indicating the strong foundation on which a healthy relationship has been built. The negative connotations associated with arguing suggest that a relationship in which the participants frequently fight cannot possibly flourish due to the lack of respect that a “war of words” demonstrates to one another.
Simply put, frequent arguing is considered a deal breaker for many. Although its an undeniable fact that everybody does it, people tend to consider arguing a weakness in the relationship structure and consequently have an unrealistic view on the appropriate code of conduct for resolving conflicts. In the attempt to maintain peace in the pursuit of the “perfect relationship” people often throw in the towel when the union becomes something they have to work at.
Arguing is almost never enjoyable, however many fail to see the potential it has for strengthening relationships. When we think of verbal fights that we’ve experienced personally, images of screaming matches and hurt feelings come to mind. We say things we don’t mean and resent our loved ones for being too candid.
But the truth is, through all the unpleasant bickering and nit-picking, we are actually on the right track to reaching a new level of intimacy with the other person, but don’t recognize the opportunity to flip a bad situation good.
Therapists and relationship experts alike will agree that communication remains one of the most prevalent roadblocks in sustaining a healthy and successful relationship. When you give yourself to another and allow them into your life, it’s crucial that the lines be open so you always know where you stand. Arguing can be looked at as the result of poor communication; when both parties neglect to address an issue as it happens or aren’t fully committed to hearing the other out.
But arguing is in itself, just another form of communication, albeit passionate and potentially destructive. However, if people can get their minds in the right place, arguing could be a prime outlet to learning more about your relationship and allowing it to foster.
With honesty as its foundation, arguments propel the participants into an expressive outpouring. When it gets to this point, both parties simply want to be heard and speak their minds. This actually is the perfect place to be in. When you are upset, you feel you have nothing to lose and have let your guard completely down. You are not only allowing yourself to be vulnerable to counter-attack, but in turn expressing your true feelings; feelings that you may have been uncomfortable broaching had the situation not escalated.
When you argue, you often experience many emotions at once because they have been suppressed and held in for so long. You have reached a point of no return and are forced to lay it all out on the table; get it all out in the open. While hurtful name calling and personal attacks are hardly useful in these situations, the fact is that uncensored honestly is coming through. And as frustrating and exhausting as the entanglement may be, you can now begin the journey of repair and reconciliation because you both have all the necessary information to move forward with change. Think of it as truth boot camp.
The trick in making arguments a useful tool for relationship growth is listening to one another. When all is said and done, you are now fully aware of everything that makes your loved one tick. Furthermore, you may have also been enlightened to faults of your own. If one recalls the fights they’ve had in the past with people they care about, almost all can remember a situation where they learned something about themselves that they were previously unaware of.
Perhaps you’ve learned that you have an annoying habit that drives the other crazy or some other shortcoming that has prevented the relationship from moving forward. While you may have been defensive at first, the moment soon arrives when you realize that the blame is shared. When both parties can admit fault, true healing can begin.
At the end of the day, fighting can be a healthy means of relational expression. However, physical violence and malicious shots taken at character often prevent it from reaching its true potential. And the truth is, we pay therapists to create a controlled environment where we basically do the exact same thing; but argue under the close watch and mediation of a trained specialist. That’s not to devalidate their work, but what’s to say we can’t on our own reach the point where we can lay it all on the line, blunt and uncensored, and have the same results?
While perhaps seeming like an idealistic thought, arguing truly can be an effective method to relationship building. This perspective is probably not widely pondered because the human race values their egos and often cannot survive it being crushed. But if we care about the relationships we have and wish to see them be long-lasting, we have to acknowledge that intimacy of any kind is a growing process, and sometimes change is called for in order to reap the benefits.
Click on to submit this post to your favorite social bookmarking sites such as Digg or StumbleUpon!
Subscribe to receive free updates via the Revive Your Life RSS feed!
Related Posts:
Comments
One Response to “How Arguing Can Strengthen Your Relationship”
Share your thoughts with the RYL community!
You can also subscribe to the RYL RSS feed!
Loading ...
Hello guys,
Really liked the piece on arguing, it made me look at arguments in a different light. I like people that think differently.
I’ve included your site on my links page. Take care and good luck.
Regards, Andy.