Communication in Marriage Brings Harmony
By Dorothy Sander, for Revive Your Life
Photo by Millzero
Communication is often touted as the most important ingredient in a successful marriage. While in some cases it can be helpful and even strengthen a relationship, it is important to understand the broader picture and the complexity of what is meant by “communication”. Too often couples think that if they speak their mind, all their problems will be solved. They are surprised and devastated when things get worse instead.
Communication is a broad term for getting your point across to another person. It involves making a statement and being heard. Both parts are essential. From discussing who will do what chores to whether or not a spouse should quit a job and move the family to another state, communication involves different levels of emotion, understanding and importance.
There are three fundamental things to consider and evaluate prior to taking steps to improve communication in your marriage.
Commitment and Trust - The Marital Foundation
Good communication in marriage can only exist if it is based on a foundation of commitment and trust. Life stresses and communication difficulties can break down a sense of trust in a relationship, but if both parties are committed to the relationship and do not have one foot out of the door, trust can be rebuilt. Each person in the relationship must feel in their hearts, that when push comes to shove, their spouse wants the best for them and the relationship and that they are committed to improving the relationship. This is the kind of trust needed before beginning efforts to improve communication skills.
We All Communicate Differently
Second, it is important to understand that there are many different types of communication, some helpful, some actually destructive. We have all been in a situation where our emotions have gotten the best of us and we have said things that were hurtful and we wish we could take them back. This is the type of communication you want to avoid when you are trying to improve your communication skills. This is a complex issue with many things to consider. The important thing at this point is to understand that all communication is not of equal value and saying whatever comes to mind may actually hurt your relationship more than help it.
Improving Your Communication Skills
Third, communication is a skill that can be learned. If you and your partner have decided there is enough of a commitment and a sufficient level of trust remaining in the relationship, then you can begin to work on your communication skills. Understand, however, that everyone has a different skill and ability level and invariably the process may be easier for one spouse than the other.
There are many tools available to help you develop your communication skills. Much study has been done in recent years regarding the difference in the way males and females communicate. Reading and understanding these verifiable differences in communication styles, expectations and values that are inherently different between the sexes, will provide you with a new perspective on your relationship and will assist you in understanding your spouse and yourself.
In addition, understanding your own unique personality style first and then your spouse’s, can give you insight into how and why you do what you do and inform you as to whether or not you are operating out of your strengths or weaknesses. Many personality profiles have been developed over the years. I’m sure you have encountered at least one of them at one time or another. Perhaps you have taken a look at your personality style via the DISC test, or the Jung Typology Test, or the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, to name a few.
The Wired that Way Personality Profile based on the teachings of Marita and Florence Littauer is one of the easiest profiles to use and understand. A 20 minute quiz will help you begin your self-discovery process and provide valuable information in developing good communication skills. Based on four personality types, uncovered through profile, the quiz will help you begin to understand how your personality style approaches work, friends and emotions. You will also be able to see what your spouse’s personality style might be and you will gain invaluable information as to how best to communicate effectively with them.
This is a tool that you can use yourself and does not require the cooperation of your spouse. It will help heighten your self-awareness and improve your communication skills throughout your life. While it is not necessary for both spouses to do a personality assessment, it is always true that the more self-awareness and understanding each of you have, the better the communication between you can be.
When Communication Breaks Down
Regardless of how good your marriage is or was, every marriage experiences break downs in communication from time to time. If you are committed to one another and want to repair what life difficulties and personal problems have inflicted on your marriage, you can begin the process by using the tools discussed in this and future articles to come. As you begin this process, it is important to be patient with yourself and with your spouse. Change does not always occur quickly and easily but persistence pays off in the end.
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Real communication is rare nowadays in marriage, we can see that in the number of divorce being processed everyday. Perhaps most of us are unwilling to communicate, or are too shallow to understand its importance. Communication skill, as you have said, can be learned, we only have to make a choice to do such improvement for our own benefit, as well as our love ones.